By Olivia Malone
When news first got out of Daniel Waters and his potential barbecue, horrified screams filled the school corridors and students and teachers alike burst into tears, terrified. A girl, for example, would lean over and whisper to her friend during class, only for the teacher to stop abruptly in their speech as the poor friend burst into hysterical tears. A boy would tell his friend whilst standing by the lockers, and soon the friend would be attempting to fit themselves into the nearest locker in a desperate bid for sanctuary. A student would walk down the hall, but stop at the quiet sound of whimpers, lean over to look through the door, and find their teacher sobbing into their highly caffeinated drink.
In short, Daniel Waters’ cooking abilities did not inspire much faith.
Sometimes, in the dead of night, with not a soul in for miles, students huddled around campfires, blankets pulled up over their heads, and told the terror-inducing story of the end-of-year home economics practical two years back. Some said that the smoke had caused a full police raid on the school (The police wearing gas masks of course). Some told that the principal had burned to death in an attempt to intervene (Although, since the principal was, in fact, still alive, this theory wasn’t all that likely). Some said that the smell had attracted alien life to earth and then scared it away almost instantaneously. The actual practical wasn’t that bad. He’d only burnt down two shelves. And wasted a good fillet of fish.
And yet, despite the unrelenting criticism, Daniel continued his cooking adventures at home. He was very lucky that his parents had the kind of money to pay for regular repairs. They were out working quite a lot of the time, so it was good that their son could occupy himself. Although they did urge him to bring some friends around. After several rounds of frustrated yelling about how useless friends were and how he didn’t have any anyway (“For God’s sake, look at my hair! Who wants to be friends with that?! Not to mention that one time-”), he was forced to admit that yes, he did actually have some friends and yes, he should probably do something nice that involved them.
Hey lay awake in bed that night, and came to the conclusion that he should show off his cooking expertise.
Out of his three friends (including his cat), he decided to invite Lacey Stevenson and Sam Radcliffe. Sam Radcliffe was annoying, loud, self-obsessed, and worst of all, good at maths. Daniel liked to imagine the only reason he kept him around was for algebra help, but maybe a small part of him really did value Sam’s ‘friendship’. It was unlikely though. Sam was not actually related to Daniel Radcliffe, although he liked to go around pretending he was and inserting Harry Potter quotes at really awkward moments. Daniel (Waters, not Radcliffe) had done the research once and stuck Daniel’s (Radcliffe, not Waters) actual family tree on the school notice board to antagonise Sam. He had, in fact, greatly succeeded.
Lacey, on the other burnt, probably broken hand, was quite possibly the sole reason that Daniel was still breathing. It was in first year, he’d been rushing to maths and tripped over her leg, and she’d stuck to him like a fiercely motherly, passive-aggressive glue ever since. When he forgot books, she’d be waiting right behind him with loud reminders. When he shivered in the winter, she’d turn up the next day with a knitted scarf and a glare. She scared away Sam quite a bit. She was a great friend.
When Daniel first mentioned the barbecue, the blood drained from Lacey’s face and Sam had laughed, only realising when Lacey refused to laugh along that this was in fact not a joke. Daniel was actually planning to cook in the presence of actual human beings. To Sam’s right, Lacey frantically suggested going to the cinema instead, and he put in his own opinion on barbecues, oh they’re boring. Alas, Daniel still held onto his irrational hope like a life jacket.
Sam was busy composing a will in his head (Yeah, his dog could have the PS3) when a note was slipped under his nose, pulling him out of his thoughts and spreading a confused expression across his face. He looked up slowly, glancing at Daniel who was still conversing happily with Lacey about his recipe for spicy chicken wings. Tentatively, Sam uncrumpled the note and let his eyes drift across the bubbly handwriting.
Sam, invite your brother and Hayley. That way we can convince him that five is enough people for a party and we won’t get sued if something goes awful.
Sam raised an eyebrow and scribbled a reply.
Sure, but I wouldn’t trust my lil bro not to sue, just to frustrate me, you know?
Passing the note to Lacey, he took a long, deep breath, put his head in his hands, and tried to stay calm.
He didn’t quite manage.
---
Sam knocked on Lacey’s door on the morning of the dreaded barbecue, smiling that stupid way when he tried to pretend he was actually normal but really just looked like he’d killed her goldfish and was crossing his fingers that she wouldn’t realise that Bubbles was now a neon tetra. She grabbed her favourite back from the stairs, the one with the fluffy pompoms and the pocket just about large enough for her headphones, and carefully opened the door. Sam opened his mouth, grinning, and she glared and kicked him in the shin.
“Shut up! My parents are sleeping, and I’m not an inconsiderate douche like some people I could mention, so I’m letting them sleep. Oh, quit your moaning!”
She stepped on his foot when they headed towards the car, earning a soft, terrified whimper.
Flinging the door open, she practically growled at him and heard a giggle from Haley in the back seat, sitting beside Jack, quietly observing the situation as per usual.
Jack was Sam’s younger brother, and a source of intense interest for both Lacey and Daniel, as neither had siblings of their own. When he began school, they started waving at him in the corridor and smiling, half because they needed more friends and half because they pitied him in his rotten luck in the sibling department. He was a much more quiet person than Sam, choosing to sit in the back not out of shyness, but laziness. Every now and again he came up his some absolutely amazing suggestion and shocked everyone, showing his true intelligence. He spoke quietly, in a way that convinced you he was right because he said so so obviously he was right. He had this way of smiling slightly when he finished a sentence that could manipulate anyone into anything. He could suggest to the President of America that they rob a bank one afternoon and they’d do it.
Although, Jack Radcliffe had a limited attention span and almost all of it was devoted to Haley Smith. Haley Smith was like sugar and cotton candy (Essentially fancy sugar.) mixed into soup with your favourite chocolate and a truckload of gummy bears. Talking to Haley Smith was like sleeping on the softest clouds and watching the best movie ever while your favourite butler brought you fresh smoothies every hour. Haley Smith was way too nice for her own good, and the only person Jack truly relied on.
Sam started to drive, annoyingly humming the batman theme tune like he was just trying to get Lacey to commit homicide. She'd have Jack as her witness in court. Yes Ma'am, it was perfectly justified. Although, said witness was in an obviously fascinating conversation with Haley about some girl in their year who could fit her entire foot in her mouth. Lacey had to admit, there were some damn good contortionists in their school.
Her mind ran the entire track and raced to the finish line only to fall over when she realised, oh dear lord, they were here. Her heartbeat sped up and she looked to her side to see Sam staring ahead, considerably paler. The door opened with a creak in the back, and Jack hopped out with Haley on his heels. Lacey shared a glance with Sam, and he nodded. Just do it, get it over with. They leapt out of the car and followed the younger pair up the gravelly driveway, which Lacey was quite sure was supposed to look like it was covered in expensive stones but really just gave a pathetic impression. When they arrived at their final destination, the door had opened and Daniel Waters was leaning out, smile slightly on the maniacal side.
"You came."
Sam forced a smile. "Yeah man, wouldn't miss it for the world."
With a giddy laugh, Daniel led them through the marble hall and into the kitchen, where the table held, upon floral tablecloths, something that appeared to be trying to pass off as a salad. The Starbursts were certainly an exotic addition. Daniel was hopping slightly in excitement, and Sam looked like he was going to be sick in the overly extravagant fish tank beside the lamp. Lacey was all of seventy six point eight percent sure she mirrored his expression. Jack and Haley looked a bit shocked by the appearance of starburst and tinfoil salad, but overall they were probably the least terrified. Poor littluns, not knowing all that was ahead of them.
"Okay! Eat some salad, have some fun. I don't know, watch a movie? How do you people even enjoy your lives?" he declared, clapping his hands together. "I will be cooking!"
She was pretty sure she could hear Sam praying.
Daniel exited the kitchen, making a beeline towards the barbecue as Sam pushed Lacey and Jack towards the living room.
"Don't ask questions, the kitchen is in the blast radius."
"The blast ra-"
"What did I say about asking questions, Haley."
Haley gulped fearfully and Jack looked surprisingly nervous. Obviously, they were beginning to understand the gravity of the situation. There was some shuffling, and Lacey bent her neck to realise Sam was searching through all of Daniel's movies. He pulled back, grinning, waving some violently coloured film box around.
"Lace, Daniel is loaded! He has, like, all the Harry Potters and they're all the same style and everything!"
"Congratulations," she droned, unaffected by this discovery.
“Aw c’mon Lace, look a little more excited.” Sighing, Lacey raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t like Harry Potter, I’ve told you this before.”
Sam sighed dramatically and hopped off the bottom of the bookshelf, almost hitting Jack, who was inspecting a glass ornament that looked a lot like a marble that had been in his pocket for the last week.
“What is this even supposed to be. I’m not getting anything. Blank. Nada.”
Sam frowned. “The essence of your soul confined to a space, I don’t know. Buy an art guide.”
Jack slapped him in the arm, which of course meant Sam had to hit him back, which of course meant Jack had to hit him back. The cycle of violence was endless, unlike Lacey’s patience.
“Shut up and watch some Harry Potter, you freaks,” she yelled in the middle of the fifth slap, making Haley jump beside her. Sam gave her a lazy glare and collapsed cross-legged in front of the television, poking at various buttons on the DVD player.
After ten minutes of ‘no-wait-that-last-one-worked-no-actually-nevermind-press-the-green-one’ the four of them were happily settled in front of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, listening to a worrying cacophony of noises from the kitchen accompanied by frenzied shouts of frustration. By the time they were onto Deathly Hallows Part 2, Haley was asleep and Lacey was caught between some serious sibling warfare.
“Ugh, just stop.”
“Stop what?”
Jack mimicked Sam, except in a childish mockery.
“You’re so annoying, oh my God!”
“I’m so annoying?!”
“Why can’t you actually do something other than whine?!”
Jack grunted indignantly, picking the closest heavy object up (Lace’s phone) and throwing it at Sam. He dodged out of the way as Lacey shouted angrily, and the phone…
The phone hit the marble ornament, smashing it into many very small pieces. Very small expensive pieces. Oh no.
Haley, having woken up at the smash, took one look at the cracked pieces and muttered tiredly, “Oh no, what have you done now.”
Sam whimpered. He really did make a habit out of that.
Sinking onto the sofa, Lacey sighed. Everything was going so well. “Well, anyone have any suggestions as to how we fix the Radcliffes’ mess?”
Sam started to freak out, making Lacey in turn freak out. After about five minutes they were whispering hysterically and shaking ideas out of each other whilst the two younguns watched. Jack opened his mouth to submit an argument against the lack of proper leadership but Haley hit him in the arm and spoke herself. “The marble.”
“The marble?”
“The marble.”
Lacey felt mildly confused.
“Jack said his marble looked exactly like the ornament. We could replace it with the marble.”
Sam shot up from the sofa as Jack rushed to the ornament’s metal seat. “Haley, that’s brilliant.”
Lacey nodded enthusiastically. “He’s right!”
“They’ll never know,” Jack laughed as he placed his €2 marble in the seat carefully. “It looks perfect!”
Then a call from the kitchen filled their stomach with dread.
“Ready!”
Sam choked slightly, glancing around rapidly to his friends. Jack and Haley looked nervous, possibly from the horror stories they’d been told, but Lacey looked terrified. They shared a glance, both hilariously unprepared, and climbed off of the floor.
“Come on then,” Lacey whispered, eyeing the dining room with wariness.
The group entered the dining room slowly, offering kind smiles to Daniel to mask their fear. Daniel was standing by the table with a grin stretched across his face and his arms behind his back, being a proper host. Sighing, Lacey took one look at the table and her stomach turned. That was more ash than chicken, and anyway who uses tomato ketchup as a chicken sauce?
Despite all, it was bearable. The five of them made their way through like soldiers, even Daniel faltering at points. Lacey supposed it was the pride of their replacement ornament that got them through, coupled with really expensive and delicious orange juice.
"So," Daniel began, placing down his cutlery. "Uh, how was it?"
Lacey broke the word record for fastest fake smile. "Amazing!
Sam nodded eagerly. He didn't trust himself to speak.
Lacey's smile morphed into a real one as Daniel started to chatter quickly, swelling with pride and relief. Despite everything, Daniel's barbecue had turned out pretty okay.
(No one even died. Extra points.)
When news first got out of Daniel Waters and his potential barbecue, horrified screams filled the school corridors and students and teachers alike burst into tears, terrified. A girl, for example, would lean over and whisper to her friend during class, only for the teacher to stop abruptly in their speech as the poor friend burst into hysterical tears. A boy would tell his friend whilst standing by the lockers, and soon the friend would be attempting to fit themselves into the nearest locker in a desperate bid for sanctuary. A student would walk down the hall, but stop at the quiet sound of whimpers, lean over to look through the door, and find their teacher sobbing into their highly caffeinated drink.
In short, Daniel Waters’ cooking abilities did not inspire much faith.
Sometimes, in the dead of night, with not a soul in for miles, students huddled around campfires, blankets pulled up over their heads, and told the terror-inducing story of the end-of-year home economics practical two years back. Some said that the smoke had caused a full police raid on the school (The police wearing gas masks of course). Some told that the principal had burned to death in an attempt to intervene (Although, since the principal was, in fact, still alive, this theory wasn’t all that likely). Some said that the smell had attracted alien life to earth and then scared it away almost instantaneously. The actual practical wasn’t that bad. He’d only burnt down two shelves. And wasted a good fillet of fish.
And yet, despite the unrelenting criticism, Daniel continued his cooking adventures at home. He was very lucky that his parents had the kind of money to pay for regular repairs. They were out working quite a lot of the time, so it was good that their son could occupy himself. Although they did urge him to bring some friends around. After several rounds of frustrated yelling about how useless friends were and how he didn’t have any anyway (“For God’s sake, look at my hair! Who wants to be friends with that?! Not to mention that one time-”), he was forced to admit that yes, he did actually have some friends and yes, he should probably do something nice that involved them.
Hey lay awake in bed that night, and came to the conclusion that he should show off his cooking expertise.
Out of his three friends (including his cat), he decided to invite Lacey Stevenson and Sam Radcliffe. Sam Radcliffe was annoying, loud, self-obsessed, and worst of all, good at maths. Daniel liked to imagine the only reason he kept him around was for algebra help, but maybe a small part of him really did value Sam’s ‘friendship’. It was unlikely though. Sam was not actually related to Daniel Radcliffe, although he liked to go around pretending he was and inserting Harry Potter quotes at really awkward moments. Daniel (Waters, not Radcliffe) had done the research once and stuck Daniel’s (Radcliffe, not Waters) actual family tree on the school notice board to antagonise Sam. He had, in fact, greatly succeeded.
Lacey, on the other burnt, probably broken hand, was quite possibly the sole reason that Daniel was still breathing. It was in first year, he’d been rushing to maths and tripped over her leg, and she’d stuck to him like a fiercely motherly, passive-aggressive glue ever since. When he forgot books, she’d be waiting right behind him with loud reminders. When he shivered in the winter, she’d turn up the next day with a knitted scarf and a glare. She scared away Sam quite a bit. She was a great friend.
When Daniel first mentioned the barbecue, the blood drained from Lacey’s face and Sam had laughed, only realising when Lacey refused to laugh along that this was in fact not a joke. Daniel was actually planning to cook in the presence of actual human beings. To Sam’s right, Lacey frantically suggested going to the cinema instead, and he put in his own opinion on barbecues, oh they’re boring. Alas, Daniel still held onto his irrational hope like a life jacket.
Sam was busy composing a will in his head (Yeah, his dog could have the PS3) when a note was slipped under his nose, pulling him out of his thoughts and spreading a confused expression across his face. He looked up slowly, glancing at Daniel who was still conversing happily with Lacey about his recipe for spicy chicken wings. Tentatively, Sam uncrumpled the note and let his eyes drift across the bubbly handwriting.
Sam, invite your brother and Hayley. That way we can convince him that five is enough people for a party and we won’t get sued if something goes awful.
Sam raised an eyebrow and scribbled a reply.
Sure, but I wouldn’t trust my lil bro not to sue, just to frustrate me, you know?
Passing the note to Lacey, he took a long, deep breath, put his head in his hands, and tried to stay calm.
He didn’t quite manage.
---
Sam knocked on Lacey’s door on the morning of the dreaded barbecue, smiling that stupid way when he tried to pretend he was actually normal but really just looked like he’d killed her goldfish and was crossing his fingers that she wouldn’t realise that Bubbles was now a neon tetra. She grabbed her favourite back from the stairs, the one with the fluffy pompoms and the pocket just about large enough for her headphones, and carefully opened the door. Sam opened his mouth, grinning, and she glared and kicked him in the shin.
“Shut up! My parents are sleeping, and I’m not an inconsiderate douche like some people I could mention, so I’m letting them sleep. Oh, quit your moaning!”
She stepped on his foot when they headed towards the car, earning a soft, terrified whimper.
Flinging the door open, she practically growled at him and heard a giggle from Haley in the back seat, sitting beside Jack, quietly observing the situation as per usual.
Jack was Sam’s younger brother, and a source of intense interest for both Lacey and Daniel, as neither had siblings of their own. When he began school, they started waving at him in the corridor and smiling, half because they needed more friends and half because they pitied him in his rotten luck in the sibling department. He was a much more quiet person than Sam, choosing to sit in the back not out of shyness, but laziness. Every now and again he came up his some absolutely amazing suggestion and shocked everyone, showing his true intelligence. He spoke quietly, in a way that convinced you he was right because he said so so obviously he was right. He had this way of smiling slightly when he finished a sentence that could manipulate anyone into anything. He could suggest to the President of America that they rob a bank one afternoon and they’d do it.
Although, Jack Radcliffe had a limited attention span and almost all of it was devoted to Haley Smith. Haley Smith was like sugar and cotton candy (Essentially fancy sugar.) mixed into soup with your favourite chocolate and a truckload of gummy bears. Talking to Haley Smith was like sleeping on the softest clouds and watching the best movie ever while your favourite butler brought you fresh smoothies every hour. Haley Smith was way too nice for her own good, and the only person Jack truly relied on.
Sam started to drive, annoyingly humming the batman theme tune like he was just trying to get Lacey to commit homicide. She'd have Jack as her witness in court. Yes Ma'am, it was perfectly justified. Although, said witness was in an obviously fascinating conversation with Haley about some girl in their year who could fit her entire foot in her mouth. Lacey had to admit, there were some damn good contortionists in their school.
Her mind ran the entire track and raced to the finish line only to fall over when she realised, oh dear lord, they were here. Her heartbeat sped up and she looked to her side to see Sam staring ahead, considerably paler. The door opened with a creak in the back, and Jack hopped out with Haley on his heels. Lacey shared a glance with Sam, and he nodded. Just do it, get it over with. They leapt out of the car and followed the younger pair up the gravelly driveway, which Lacey was quite sure was supposed to look like it was covered in expensive stones but really just gave a pathetic impression. When they arrived at their final destination, the door had opened and Daniel Waters was leaning out, smile slightly on the maniacal side.
"You came."
Sam forced a smile. "Yeah man, wouldn't miss it for the world."
With a giddy laugh, Daniel led them through the marble hall and into the kitchen, where the table held, upon floral tablecloths, something that appeared to be trying to pass off as a salad. The Starbursts were certainly an exotic addition. Daniel was hopping slightly in excitement, and Sam looked like he was going to be sick in the overly extravagant fish tank beside the lamp. Lacey was all of seventy six point eight percent sure she mirrored his expression. Jack and Haley looked a bit shocked by the appearance of starburst and tinfoil salad, but overall they were probably the least terrified. Poor littluns, not knowing all that was ahead of them.
"Okay! Eat some salad, have some fun. I don't know, watch a movie? How do you people even enjoy your lives?" he declared, clapping his hands together. "I will be cooking!"
She was pretty sure she could hear Sam praying.
Daniel exited the kitchen, making a beeline towards the barbecue as Sam pushed Lacey and Jack towards the living room.
"Don't ask questions, the kitchen is in the blast radius."
"The blast ra-"
"What did I say about asking questions, Haley."
Haley gulped fearfully and Jack looked surprisingly nervous. Obviously, they were beginning to understand the gravity of the situation. There was some shuffling, and Lacey bent her neck to realise Sam was searching through all of Daniel's movies. He pulled back, grinning, waving some violently coloured film box around.
"Lace, Daniel is loaded! He has, like, all the Harry Potters and they're all the same style and everything!"
"Congratulations," she droned, unaffected by this discovery.
“Aw c’mon Lace, look a little more excited.” Sighing, Lacey raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t like Harry Potter, I’ve told you this before.”
Sam sighed dramatically and hopped off the bottom of the bookshelf, almost hitting Jack, who was inspecting a glass ornament that looked a lot like a marble that had been in his pocket for the last week.
“What is this even supposed to be. I’m not getting anything. Blank. Nada.”
Sam frowned. “The essence of your soul confined to a space, I don’t know. Buy an art guide.”
Jack slapped him in the arm, which of course meant Sam had to hit him back, which of course meant Jack had to hit him back. The cycle of violence was endless, unlike Lacey’s patience.
“Shut up and watch some Harry Potter, you freaks,” she yelled in the middle of the fifth slap, making Haley jump beside her. Sam gave her a lazy glare and collapsed cross-legged in front of the television, poking at various buttons on the DVD player.
After ten minutes of ‘no-wait-that-last-one-worked-no-actually-nevermind-press-the-green-one’ the four of them were happily settled in front of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, listening to a worrying cacophony of noises from the kitchen accompanied by frenzied shouts of frustration. By the time they were onto Deathly Hallows Part 2, Haley was asleep and Lacey was caught between some serious sibling warfare.
“Ugh, just stop.”
“Stop what?”
Jack mimicked Sam, except in a childish mockery.
“You’re so annoying, oh my God!”
“I’m so annoying?!”
“Why can’t you actually do something other than whine?!”
Jack grunted indignantly, picking the closest heavy object up (Lace’s phone) and throwing it at Sam. He dodged out of the way as Lacey shouted angrily, and the phone…
The phone hit the marble ornament, smashing it into many very small pieces. Very small expensive pieces. Oh no.
Haley, having woken up at the smash, took one look at the cracked pieces and muttered tiredly, “Oh no, what have you done now.”
Sam whimpered. He really did make a habit out of that.
Sinking onto the sofa, Lacey sighed. Everything was going so well. “Well, anyone have any suggestions as to how we fix the Radcliffes’ mess?”
Sam started to freak out, making Lacey in turn freak out. After about five minutes they were whispering hysterically and shaking ideas out of each other whilst the two younguns watched. Jack opened his mouth to submit an argument against the lack of proper leadership but Haley hit him in the arm and spoke herself. “The marble.”
“The marble?”
“The marble.”
Lacey felt mildly confused.
“Jack said his marble looked exactly like the ornament. We could replace it with the marble.”
Sam shot up from the sofa as Jack rushed to the ornament’s metal seat. “Haley, that’s brilliant.”
Lacey nodded enthusiastically. “He’s right!”
“They’ll never know,” Jack laughed as he placed his €2 marble in the seat carefully. “It looks perfect!”
Then a call from the kitchen filled their stomach with dread.
“Ready!”
Sam choked slightly, glancing around rapidly to his friends. Jack and Haley looked nervous, possibly from the horror stories they’d been told, but Lacey looked terrified. They shared a glance, both hilariously unprepared, and climbed off of the floor.
“Come on then,” Lacey whispered, eyeing the dining room with wariness.
The group entered the dining room slowly, offering kind smiles to Daniel to mask their fear. Daniel was standing by the table with a grin stretched across his face and his arms behind his back, being a proper host. Sighing, Lacey took one look at the table and her stomach turned. That was more ash than chicken, and anyway who uses tomato ketchup as a chicken sauce?
Despite all, it was bearable. The five of them made their way through like soldiers, even Daniel faltering at points. Lacey supposed it was the pride of their replacement ornament that got them through, coupled with really expensive and delicious orange juice.
"So," Daniel began, placing down his cutlery. "Uh, how was it?"
Lacey broke the word record for fastest fake smile. "Amazing!
Sam nodded eagerly. He didn't trust himself to speak.
Lacey's smile morphed into a real one as Daniel started to chatter quickly, swelling with pride and relief. Despite everything, Daniel's barbecue had turned out pretty okay.
(No one even died. Extra points.)